Well,

Okay, so here’s the deal.

You like Hugh. You dig Hugh. But in a drunken night with legs over the lap and hands in another man’s hands, he turns ya down flat. Through the ear of a friend, which is always the way. So it stings a bit, leaves a bruise that needs being rubbed. But you say – hay okay, it’s a new day today! maybe hugh would have been…a good lay, but you knay? I don’t even want anybod-ay!

Then Kyle rumbles along and you don’t even notice him. Cuz Hugh’s still tingling in your mind as much as you don’t know why. Shuttup Maya cuz it’s already been resolved. No more thinking on it, and really you’re not. What will be will be. Que sirrah sirrah.

But with some talk and some ice cream and why’s he keep on walking with me in the store? And near hand touches and blanket shares on the floor of Hugh’s room…he likes you. You liked him. Well bloody hell almighty maybe it’ll just be perfect! Things are bursting up roses in bloom and yellow tulips on the ground to skitter your backside!


oh hay

hugh

he vants yugh.

and suddenly it’s a torrent of wanting and hatred and I MEAN hatred. not a bone in my body does want him and I thoroughly find mr cannon to be the same. he’s an ass! a prick! a non-toucher in the late nights when the movie finds our dark faces. He’s a sitter on the edges of beds when my thigh is a-achin’ for contact. he is here, not there. he is everything that kyle is not and everything that’s bad, and still I esteemed him.

then I talked to kyle and had a bloody fucking great time doing so. I wanted him to be there. here. I wanted to kiss him and smile at him and be EXCITED about him

but even when I think of being with him, of giving in and being his love-indulged toddler

hugh’s gone and spoiled it. he’s spoiled it, the rat prick! because I want to be the flame that lurks beneath his skin? itching and killing the surface because it would bake his throat to let it out. I want to know if maybe he looked at me with a look, or pushed his lips in my direction…would I feel the same giddiness? deeper? sterner? would I understand that it was moving him to do so, that he could remain for hours without a touch my way but in that moment…oh how he would kiss me.

what the hell am I talking about. it doesn’t matter, it’s certainly not deserved, and it’s all about boys. guys. emotions, rather. it’s more than just ohhh I want some puppy love and LOOK! at all these options. it’s simply wanting to not be such a bitch. leading him on or leading him to a healthy gulp of water I don’t doubt im doing both. and if hugh finds out he’ll drop it, drop it like a hat

but he’s gone and spoilt it!

but if he bucks up and tells me. touches my hand and tells me, stammers or doesn’t and looks at the floor and tells me with kind of a laugh that he wont let out…how could i? how could I smile like a bashful arrow at kyle and then turn to his best friend? his bosom buddy? his kindred spirit? how could i?

I couldn’t.

my only sensible option would be kyle. for hugh thinks me to be in the dark so no loyalties would be broken, no promises seared. only a man’s affections quelched like his latest drop of a program that didn’t pan out.

but maybe I take hugh. maybe we suppress it? maybe we wait but don’t wait and maybe, maybe kyle, long distance isn’t good for me? stupidest fucking excuse ever and he’d see right through it at lover’s first embrace

fuck all

there’s really no solution. go back to sara, kyle! flee and find her! I do not want to be the girl that you despise! I do not want to be the one that you are bitter towards. the lying whore. the little cusp of a cunt who only ever wanted hugh and laughed and chided you into caring.

what do I do. I see no way out. I want to ask hugh. I want to tell hugh. I want to slap and hit hugh.

fine maybe he’ll stop anyway. and it’ll be simpler and nothing and a smooth path. and yes the perfect edges of the idea will be burnt and crisped black, but we’ll move past it. I’ll be fulfilled, I’ll stop wondering, and happiness will prevail.

I like hugh. and tomorrow night I will be with him and something with GODDARM happen or rest my soul

that something will not.


.me.