So Close, Lemonseed

Alright, that’s it.

I wanna be there. I’m dying for it, gagging for it, lusting for it in a carnal way that attacks my bones. And it sits in all the pictures with people crossing two and fro – not knowing what they’ve got. And maybe it’s not so great, but I want it. I want it! I’m pleased that I want it. I’m pleased knowing that all my flitting aspirations halted when it came to this, that all my worried doubts about losing passion, losing love, losing life: fuck it. Fuck them.

Cuz it stuck. It sticks. I see the pictures and the paintings and I get all tip-toes and leans.

Reaching through the glass I see myself among them, among the nothing, and I’ll loop an arm around the lamp-post and swing this way and that, tipping my head to the winds.

And God can make up for what he’s done.

Right?

So maybe I’m not so perfect. Maybe I haven’t got the assets yet. Maybe my scarf will look a fright and I’ll be the rump of the land. I don’t CARE! Not about any of them. Only the land. The rolling, stiff, cold land. The cold of the touch, the brusk of the cement.

And if it isn’t there, okay. Okay. Because it’s the feeling, the feeling that I seek. And will keep seeking. I’ve got at least a few years, yeah? No run-ins with monsters or sharks, permitting.

I’ll find it.

So take me in, England. I’m leaving all and leaving everything. And right now I’ve never felt so stupid. Or never felt so happy for it.

STUPID. :)

.me.

Uhh

i'm stressed.

and i think that money should just be given to those who need it, who need it need it need it. but i dont need it. but you force me to live in this world where money rules the root of all things living and dead and then you tell me i dont HAVE any? i dont have ENOUGH! and you wont give it to me because i am undeserving, moreso than the girl from surprise, arizona.

york is such a lovely town and a lovely place and a lovely village and it makes me want to love the loveliest things around.

and they may take a girl from surprise, arizona. because i dont make as much of a difference. and all my helen keller quotes are just fillers for an empty mind.

and i know i want to go so far and do so much and see so much driven from my hands onto others onto souls dont waste this passion it feels so good that to lose it would be unbearable PAIN.

PAIN PAIN PAIN.
so i ride it like a coastal wave and try to scoop in what i need, denouncing the lust for money and wealth and yet feeling filthy in that i need it, in that i fight for it. i can only be who i am and that is my downfall in multiple categories.

and there's no reason to falter now, but i can taste the salty brick on my tongue and if you yank it away so help me God.

st andrews is a lovely place.
not half so lovely
but maybe as lovely
in lovely ways

money money money

you all frown at me

and i feel betrayed

i just want to be there
to see there
to FEEL there

and there i go again

knocking down doors.

i'm stressed, banjo, i'm stressed.


.me.